June 7, 2025 2:47pm
Lol sorry about that last post. Turns out it was two days before my period started (every month for the two/three days before my period I can't fathom any light or joy or happiness in the world and become passively suicidal. I probably have PMDD and it got a lot worse once I went off of my SSRIs but it's definitely not worth it to go back on SSRIs just to prevent one week of misery every month). My physical health has been all fucked up at the moment with chronic acid reflux that I've been trying to deal with by cutting out trigger foods..... which are pretty much every food I like. No more coffee, carbonated drinks, tomatoes, or super acidic foods for... an indeterminate amount of time and GOD I didn't realize how many of the best foods on Earth are made so much better with the inclusion of tomatoes, onions, and vinegar. It makes me feel like such a weenie to order a sandwich and have to ask for it with no tomatoes and no pickled red onions. AND I have to avoid spicy stuff. Basically I've been surviving off of apples and peanut butter for like two meals a day which isn't the end of the world. But yesterday I went out for brunch and ate a lot of greasy food and then spent the rest of the day throwing up buckets of stomach acid and taking little sips of water. I avoided tomatoes but I guess I need to add fried eggs and hashbrowns and sausage and bannana nut bread to the ever growing list of foods I can't keep down painlessly. I also am on my period which is probably adding to the misery.
On the plus side, though, I've been reading a LOT since all I've been doing otherwise is lazing around. Also watching the new Dimension 20 season but not paying too much attention or getting TOO into it because it's like steampunk or something. I read Fever Dream by Samanta Schweblin which was INCREDIBLE, the second five-star read of the year for me, and I finally got around to finishing Walking Practice by Dolki Min which was also really good. Very tonally different and not, like, the most amazing thing I've ever read but it was very enjoyable. Then I read Several People are Typing by Calvin Kasulke which really surprised me. I was expecting it to be fun purely because of its format but it was actually really well-done and the story justified its gimick in my opinion. That's the book that's told through Slack messages which I guess is like corporate Discord. And now I'm reading another book that has a similar gimick but a VERY different tone and subject matter, The Sluts by Dennis Cooper. It's told through forum posts on a website for reviewing escorts and it is extremely sexually graphic and disturbing but it's definitely compelling. I need to know who is telling the truth and what is going on, even though I'm horrified by every new piece of the puzzle that comes together. So far it's been the summer of short fiction and I couldn't be happier to be flying through these books especially as they distract me from how miserable I feel (usually by putting me into the miserable mind of someone else that I can be detatched from lol). As of right now I'm on track to meet or even potentially surpass my goal of reading 25 books in 2025 and a lot of that is in part to joining a book club which has been a new experience for me but it's been funnn.
Anyways, whatever, I'm just yapping at this point. I just wanted to post something to be like sorry about the last thing I posted that was very dramatic and I got over it. If I come on here like once a month saying life has no meaning and nothing matters and I will never be happy just ignore me, I'm probably just two days away from starting my period and dealing with my monthly bought of suicidality. All's well. I'm back to feeling like nothing matters but in a neutral, bordering on positive way rather than in a severe and life-destroying way.
June 2, 2025 2:01pm
Yeah no, I didn't graduate from college.
I did actually pass my calculus class, which is kind of insane, but I actually had one more class I needed to pass for my major that I failed. To be glass-half-full about all of it, at the very least it's a class that I can easily pass now that I have time to fully dedicate to it. To be glass-half-empty about everything else ever, though, I feel like shit all the time for any and every reason.
I'm so exhausted every day. I wake up with no motivation and just living at home is good in a lot of ways but just points out how much I want to live in my own space and have freedom. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm stumbling along in my own life, rushing and tripping to catch up with where I'm "supposed to be." Yeah I know there's not an actual deadline for anything in life, but it's one thing if you're living at home because you're not emotionally ready to move out. But I'm more than emotionally ready for my own place. The jobs I'm currently applying to, I have no hope for myself ever actually getting hired for or even hearing back from in any way whatsoever. I feel like my spirit is already crushed even though I haven't even started yet. Also these jobs literally pay a poverty wage so even if I was hired I could not afford to live anywhere anyways. I'd barely even be able to afford the rent my mom charges to live at home. Basically I feel like my options are all horrible and my passion isn't strong enough to make it worth it. I feel like I don't have any hope to get out of poverty wages and customer service and I'll probably be spending the entire rest of my life being bullied and demoralized by customers and managers and bosses and feeling passionless towards my life and being paid an insultingly low wage. Nothing excites me about that process and honestly why would it???
I have to do homework now. I'm sitting in the library trying to hype myself up to be functional but nothing is working. I cannot envision a future AT ALL and it's paralyzing me right now in the present. Not to be cliche but GENUINELY, it feels like nothing matters or means anything and I don't even have something to incentivize myself to work hard because it's a means to some end I really want. All the ends are depressingly grim and I only half want them anyways. Whatever.
So there you have it, I have taken my dreaded calculus exam. I genuinely have no idea how I did. At this point it's completely out of my hands, other than the extra homework assignments that I may try to get finished some time tonight, but honestly... I may not. I feel completely burnt out from it and like maybe even if there is technically more I could do I don't feel like it's worth it. Like if I have done enough to get a C-, then amazing, I don't need to do any more homeworks. And if I haven't, well, I wasn't going to pass this semester anyways and doing a couple trigonometry homework assignments isn't going to change that anyways. I feel weirdly calm about the whole thing and honestly, whether I pass or I fail, I feel equally very proud of myself for how dedicated I was to my goal. The desire to graduate pushed me to keep slogging through things that made no sense to me.
Okay so tomorrow is my calculus final exam, it all comes down to this. If I pass, I graduate! If I fail, I'll be graduating at the end of the summer. Not too big of a deal at the end of the day, I haven't really been panicking about it because I feel like I'm mature enough to recognize that in the grand scheme of things, the difference between graduating in May 2025 and graduating August 2025 really isn't that big of a deal. With that being said..... GOD I want to graduate. I want to be doneeeee I need to be finisheddddd.