boyd4ughter's feed

March 26, 2026 8:34am

Okayyyy here's the rest of the NYC pics.

We finally made it to the Whitney Museum after our plans to go were thwarted two days in a row. These pictures are of a couple of the Georgia O'Keeffe's we saw, which I took pictures of to send to my mom. O'Keeffe is one of her favorite artists, which rubbed off on me. When I turned, like, five or six I actually had a Georgia O'Keeffe themed birthday party. My mom made cupcakes decorated like flowers and we all painted pictures of big flowers haha. Anyways, the Whitney was pretty cool. It had an interesting mix of things I thought were awesome and things I thought were utterly stupid and pretentious. Harvey and I kept laughing at the fact that both of us kept reacting in similar ways about the same pieces. We both cared and didn't care about the same sorts of things. After the Whitney we walked around by the water and went to a food hall where we got bulgogi kimbap and lychee green tea, and then we had to run so we could get to Cats.

We saw Cats: The Jellicle Ball and it was such a fun time. I was completely starstuck that Junior Labeija played Gus the Theater Cat!!! And I got super emotional while they were singing his song. Also Andre De Shields played Old Deuteronomy. With the two of them especially it was really clear to see how much respect and love and gratitude everyone in that room felt towards the older members of our community. That really moved me. I feel like every queer person can relate to that deep and profound respect almost to the point of worship that we feel for old gay and trans people. It's so different from how the rest of our culture tends to treat older folks and it's something I think only other queer people will understand. But I really felt it watching Cats. Overall it was just such a joyful and celebratory show and I would definitely recommend people go see it. As long as you have at least a surface level understanding of both ballroom culture and Cats the Musical. Otherwise I think you might be pretty lost. Also it was opening night and they gave us big fans which was pretty cool. There was a guy standing outside the theater asking every single one of us as we walked in, "Does anyone have an extra ticket?" which was really and truly killing me because like... it is OPENING NIGHT. No, no one has an extra ticket to give you.

The day after Cats we went to the MET Cloisters to see the exhibition on Medieval sexuality. It was extremely awesome, so up my alley. There was a lot of super interesting stuff to explore considering gender, sexuality, power, spirituality, and the ammount of expressive freedom people had in Medieval Europe. When I saw this picture of Jesus' side wound as a vagina I got super excited. I felt like I was meeting a celebrity with the amount of times I've seen that image in books and online. It didn't even feel real to see the original up close and personal. I also LOVED LOVED LOVED this sculpture of Mary with her legs spread, ready to receive the baby that the Holy Spirit is going to put inside her. Sorry to be vulgar but these Medieval FREAKS did it first okay. I just think she looks so sensual and beautiful. Harrowhark would have loved this exhibit.

This was my absolute favorite, though. This is a sculpture of Jesus and John, the disciple he loved. They are portrayed through their pose as husband and wife. Jesus is the husband, John is the wife. This sculpture once stood in a monastery. I don't think it ever says in the Bible that John left his wife so that he could follow Jesus, but at the very least these monks believed this was the case, and they saw John and his love for Jesus, to the point of foresaking his own wife in favor of Him, as deeply aspirational. Looking at this sculpture made me emotional beyond belief. It made me feel so peaceful to look at it, I just loved the content expressions on John's and Jesus' faces, and how lovingly they were carved in this gay ass pose. Idk it's just really powerful to see how happy Jesus looks to be gay married. He's just like me for real.

Okay, on my last full day in New York we met up with friends for hot pot at the Dolar Shop. Don't play with me. This was my first time ever eating hot pot in my life and it was so good I almost can't believe it. I got the mushroom broth but everyone was really hyping up the tomato broth, so next time I go I'm definitely going to give that one a try because that sounds amazing. Honestly the best part was the house dipping sauce they gave us which was soy and chili and green onions and garlic and sesame. And of course the side dish bar. I loaded up on edamame and shrimp chips and kimchi- which, let me say, I'm not usually the biggest fan of kimchi, but I really liked it here. It was the perfect bite after the piping hot broth and meat that was burning my tongue. And there were also jellies and desserts in so many flavors and all you can eat softserve vanilla ice cream. Needless to say we ate so much food it reached a point of absurdity. And we spent FULLY two hours there eating and chatting. This may be not just the greediest meal I had that week in NYC, but the greediest meal I have ever had in my entire life. And btw it cost like $28 for all this food. That's less than that sandwich from Katz's Deli. Not a dig, as I already said I would have happily paid $45 for that sandwich, I'm just pointing out this was a shocking amount of food for the price in NYC.

More stuff happened this week, but this is all I have pictures of. My screen time was like an hour a day when I was in NYC and frankly even that seems high when I try to remember what I was doing for an hour a day on my phone, but all that to say I was just not really reaching for it so there's a lot I forgot to take pictures of. And of course Harvey and I are allergic to taking nice photos together for some reason. I think neither of us ever remember to do it until it's too late. As you can see from the pictures I do have, though, this was one of my greatest NYC trips to date. Something about knowing I'm moving to NYC soon made being there feel exciting and like I had a new perspective on everything. I kind of felt like I was daring NYC to make me love it, to convice me I'm going to like living there. And honestly I have to say I feel like it succeeded. As the bus crossed over into New Jersey and I stared at the Statue of Liberty out my window I only shed a few very small tears. Compared to last year when I was bawling my eyes out like a little baby on the sky tram to the airport? Or the year before when I kept breaking down in the TSA line? This was probably the least I've ever cried leaving NYC and I think that's because I couldn't help but feel excited knowing I'm coming back soon.

I'll leave you with one more picture. Right before I left, I sat on the floor and shuffled my tarot deck. I thought to myself, "What's a card that represents the week I just had?" and let a card fall out of the deck and into my hands.

Got the lesbian love card. Duhhhhhh.

March 25, 2026 10:49am

Just got back from New York a couple days ago and I want to share the photos but I've been fasting from Instagram for Lent. But then I was like I can post them on my website and that's even better because I can post as many as I want and take the time to explain them and not worry about them matching any sort of aesthetic. So anyways here are some of the things Harvey and I got up to in New York.

The first picture I took in NYC. I took a morning walk at around 7:30 AM to go get bagels and coffee and I thought the neighborhood looked so pretty as the sun was coming up.

Harvey had an exam to take so I sat in Washington Square Park and read. It was really cold so eventually I got up and explored around the area; I went across the street to Colomba and got a latte and a truly delicious sandwich on a fresh baguette. Then I wandered up and down the streets and ended up on Mercer Street, where I discovered Mercer Street Books & Records.

Saw quite a few strange books at Mercer Street Books & Records but did leave with a copy of Geek Love which I've been on the hunt for secondhand. I went back to the park and read the first chapter of Geek Love on the bench surrounded by pigeons and squirrels. It eventually got way too cold for me though so I went into a boba shop and hid out in there until Harvey finished their exam.

Even though I had barely slept for more than 2 hours the night before, since I had been traveling on a bus to NYC all through the night, and even though I had gotten into the city at 5 in the morning and had been up since then, we went out to the bar Talon to dance to some goth music. It was totally packed and everyone was writhing around in that way people dance to goth music and it was pretty fun to let loose and wiggle around like I knew what I was doing. Goth dancing is just stimming along to music which I do all the time anyways. The music was pretty mediocre or just not really to my tastes and the fog machine was a little much but it was still honestly so much fun I will definitely have to get drunk and dance to goth music again some time.

Okay so believe it or not all that stuff was from the day that I arrived. On the second day I know we did stuff in the morning/afternoon but I can't really remember what we did. I do remember that in the evening we went to Pranakhon, which is OUR SPOT. We went for our anniversary I want to say two years ago? I think last year for our anniversary we cooked heart shaped raviolli from Trader Joe's and made garlic bread, which was also delicious tbh. But yeah, we've been to Pranakhon twice now and gotten the house salad and the Khao Moo Dang, and I always get some sort of cocktail which are legitimately delicious at this place. And of course finished with halo halo ice cream which has lychee and sweet corn and butterfly pea rice and coconut ice cream and I think Harvey and I truly spend all year thinking about it until we can go back and eat it again HAHA. If you're in NYC and have like $100 laying around and want somewhere delicious to go I would definitely recommend yummy delicious Pranakhon.

So then we went to the MET because it was open late for date night. The exam Harvey had taken the day before was for their Southeast Asian Art History class, so we almost exclusively stayed in the Buddhist art section and Harvey taught me a lot about Buddhism and the art of China, India, Burma, and Cambodia. I was particularly drawn to this head of a Bodhisattva from Afghanistan and if you know anything about me you'll instantly be able to tell why I liked this one so much- because of the big staring eyeballs made of Garnet (my birthstone!) I love eyeballs especially when they're big and staring. Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are usually portrayed with closed or heavily lidded eyes which symbolizes looking inward, so it was kind of surprising to see one with such distinctly wide open eyes. It was also unique to see this specific style of sculpture, which is clearly taking inspiration from Greek/Roman sculptures. Anyways we stayed at the MET until they had to kick everyone out because they were closed.

After we got kicked out the the MET we shivered our way over to Serendipity 3 to get GREEDY frozen hot chocolate and cheese fries. You will grow to discover that the theme of my week in New York this spring was uninhibited gluttony and greed. If there's one thing Harvey and I are going to do it's EAT. Also when they brought out the hot chocolate I saw that the straws were red and blue and I pointed at them and said "Klance." and then I started second guessing myself and asked if those were even Klance's colors. Which they were, but my joke was ruined by me having to ask Harvey if my joke even made any sense. Also, simply referencing Klance doesn't really constitute a joke and I acknowledge that.

Did some tarot readings for us. Pictured on the left is Harvey's, pictured on the right is the single card I pulled in answer to the question "Should I smoke weed tonight?" How to interpret the Nine of Cups in response to a question like that?? You be the judge. LMAO.

New York City!! The city that never sleeps!! Except for if it's Monday and you're a couple of gays who like going to museums and locally owned shops and cafes. Why is everything in New York closed on Mondays??? Harvey had a doctor's appointment so we went to the doctor's office but then even that ended up not working out. We ended up going to Qahwah House (Mamdani's favorite coffee shop!!!) and got Yemeni chai and a giant greedy piece of bread stuffed with cream cheese and dunked in honey. Really enjoyed this place. If I ever go again I think I'll get the chai with sugar, though, because it was really strong and took forever for me to drink.

Just looked at these pictures and could have cried because I wish I was eating this again. Nishaan was, like, the greatest place we went all week. I think it was Harvey's favorite too. This Pakistani chopped cheese changed my life. We also had mango refreshers and then for dessert we tried the paratha funnel cake. Get out of my faceeeeeeee. It was chilly and gloomy and a little bit rainy and there was truly nothing better I could have eaten than this warm spicy big greedy sandwich. I'm going to get too emotional if I keep talking about it so I'll cut myself off here. If you are in NYC PLEASE go eat this sandwich you need this in your life.

It was mid.

After big greedy chopped cheeses we went to Paradise Lost and got big greedy cocktails. I chose the drink I got because I wanted the novelty koozie it came with however it ended up being strong as HELL. And it was marked on the menu as the LOWEST STRENGTH so I'm somewhat terrified to ever go back and try another drink... However I am really intrigued by their cocktail that has pig blood in it. Especially because I'm pretty sure it also had apple gin in it which was my absolute favorite discovery when I studied abroad in England back in 2022 and haven't had since then so. Maybe someday. Anyways the other picture is a mirror selfie I took in the bathroom to show off the haunted mirror. They were playing like an audiobook of the Bible or something in the bathroom which was extremely soothing. We really liked the aesthetic of this place. Campy haunted tiki bar! Felt like a vampire on vacation. Apparently my big autistic-eyed stare was really off putting because the bartender asked me not once but TWICE if I was okay with a lot of concern in her voice because I guess I was staring unblinkingly at her #oops

Had to try Katz's Deli because there's very few things in this world I love as much as a big sandwich. Oh my God. I know I said the Pakistani chopped cheese was the best thing I ate in New York but that's because I low key forgot about this pastrami sandwich. Walking into this place was the most overwhelmed I've been since I went to Buc-ee's for the first time and we had to stand in line for around 40 minutes but oh my Goddddd it was so worth it. The pastrami was so good I thought I was going to fall to my knees when the guy making our sandwiches handed us the little plate for us to sample. The mustard was also mind-blowingly good. Apparently you can get this pastrami shipped to your house for like $100 and honestly I think that's a fair deal. This sandwich was like $30 and normally I would say there's no reason to spend $30 on meat and mustard on bread but no. No. I would pay $45 for this sandwich. I would seriously injure myself and someone I care about for this sandwich. We need to move on or I'm going to start punching people.

Harvey has wanted to take me to see the Lion King musical for years now because of my puppet special interest. Watching all the beautiful puppets fill the stage as everyone sang so loudly and beautifully and the orchestra swelled and the sun started rising during the opening number, I actually felt tears welling in my eyes which really embarrassed me until intermission when Harvey told me they almost started crying during the opening number and I felt like I could admit to them that the same thing happened to me. It was just so beautiful! Unfortunately what was not so beautiful were the voices of all the Disney adults sitting in the row behind us who were quoting the lines and singing along to all the songs. FULL GROWN adults btw. It was really distracting and annoying so I did ask an usher during intermission if we could move and she actually found seats for us that were even closer so that was pretty awesome. I didn't know what to expect but the Lion King was honestly really cool. Not sure why the actor who played Timone was painted a distracting shade of bright green that just made him stand out more than even the puppet but... whatever. Timone and Pumba are the worst part of the movie so it's no surprise they're the worst part of the play too.

When I told you Harvey and I were greedy I wasn't kidding, okay??? After the Lion King we went to Grace Street Coffee & Desserts and got this absolute tower of black sesame shaved ice. We also got a Dubai chocolate cookie mochi thing that we brought home and ate later. Our greed honestly sickens me.

There are only a couple more days left to talk about, but I'm tired of converting all these pictures so I'll be back probably tomorrow to share the rest of the pictures from the trip. It's been so fun looking back through these pictures and remembering all the fun things we did and all the food we ate. I miss being in New York really badly which is low key something I thought I would never say. I never really saw myself as a city person, and I definitely never saw myself moving UP NORTH to a big city. But I'm moving to New York in like... 10 months at this point. Truly crazy. I honestly feel nothing but excitement though.

January 16, 2026 8:28am

Welcome back to another awesome day in the life of Neocities user BOYD4UGHTER, I am no longer unemployed! Still lowkey not capital-E Employed though since I work super duper part time. However that's also my own fault because I get to pick my own schedule and I'm just being super picky about which jobs I take. But why not? I have the means to be a little bit of a bum right now so I'm going to use my privilege to the fullest. I applied for a volunteer position in the field I actually want to go into, because again, I have the privilege to do things like volunteer or work for very little money. However that was exactly one month and one day ago and I still haven't heard back, other than an email saying they received my application. Sooo we're back at it again with the demoralizing waiting around and submitting applications into a void and never hearing back from anyone. But at least I have a job in the meantime.
Unfortunately I have a sad update about the iPod, the battery that he put in did not work and in fact has started expanding, so. The iPod is trash. I will probably bite the bullet and buy a used one, but not on eBay. I need to do some research and find some reputable places selling fresh out of the box iPod Nanos. I'm still divorced from Spotify though and in fact have cancelled my Spotify premium and just listen to pirated music on iTunes which is healing for my soul. One day I'll get around to burning some mix CDs, too, and really revert back to my childhood.

September 27, 2025 8:09pm

My 4th gen iPod Nano only works when it's plugged in, meaning it needs a new battery. I saw online that Best Buy services iPods so I took it to Best Buy and bro the man laughed me out of the store and told me iPods are obsolete. And told me to just buy a new one on eBay. But I said NO! I took it to a kiosk in the mall that does phone repairs and asked them if they could replace the battery and he said absolutely not. But I refuse to give up on anything... I took it to a battery store near my house and asked them if they could. First of all they were very gagged to see my iPod Nano haha they were like WOAH!! thinking it was really cool haha. They're going to try to fix it. Key word "try" considering these iPods are notoriously extremely difficult to change the battery of- you have to use a heat gun to even access the battery, and then the battery itself is soldered to the motherboard. Basically the guy working there said it was probably going to take him two or three hours and I could see him in real time weighing the pros and cons of spending three hours of his day working on one singular iPod. But in the end he did agree to do it!! Happy happy happy I really really really hope he's able to do it. He had to give me the disclaimer that it's very possible that trying to remove the old battery causes some damage, since like I said it's soldered.
I really like listening to music on an iPod, though, and I have a lot of nostalgia for this iPod specifically. Also, the guy at the battery store showed me where people were reselling used ones and the guy at Best Buy totally lied to me, it ended up being cheaper to get the battery and pay the battery store guy to fix it than it would have been for me to buy one secondhand. Plus you can't put a price on all the memories I have with this iPod. I'm too impatient to wait to use it, so I've been listening to it while plugged into my computer (which I know is really bad for the battery but I'm getting a new battery in like nine days anyways so it'll be fineeeee) and it's so wonderful. Something about listening to Paramore on my iPod with some wired headphones is taking me straight back to 2012 in the best way possible. OMG I LOVE MUSIC I love music so much.

In other news I have been looking at jobs and sort of trying to gaslight myself into thinking that retail wouldn't be too bad to go back to...... retail did make me literally actively suicidal but I would like to believe I have at least some (??) more autism coping mechanisms than I did the last time I did retail full time. So maybe it wouldn't be so hellish?? Trying to convince myself. There's a coffee shop that's hiring but they have like thin blue line patches on a cork board in the shop. And I've seen someone with like a "we stand with Israel" patch frequenting the premises. So is it a SAFE SPACE? No. But I'm not sure where I stand in terms of my morals when it comes to working at a small, locally owned shop versus working for like a corporation. I think if I swear off working for any company that might potentially be lining the pockets of a zionist I'm not sure if I would have any options left. As shitty as that is to say. Sighhhhhhh at the very least if it gets way too dire I do know that the thrift store would probably hire me again. I'm just literally traumatized by the autism burnout that happened the last time I worked there. Like who knew it was even possible to cry in your car that many times a week lolz...... Never felt so damn dehumanized in my LIFE and the music they play is so shit. And y'all know how I am about music- concerning the autism of it all. Having to listen to bad music is genuinely a form of torture for me and it ruins my mood and kills my spirit. I get SO happy when I listen to good music and you can imagine that means I also get SO depressed when listening to shitty music. Girl, they played Ed Sheeran and Luke Combs and all manner of questionable pop songs. I asked them if they could change the radio station because it made me insane and they said the owner wouldn't let them :^| I almost killed myself on the spot.
Enough about the thrift store though. I severely hope it never comes to that. But if no one else wants to hire me I think I might need to suck it up and just try the thrift store again and do some sort of autistic rituals every day before and after work to help me compartmentalize and process. BC I literally just started tearing up sitting here THINKING about working at the thrift store it impacts me that intensely. Anyways. If this battery store guy breaks my iPod it's all over for everyone.

A broken iPod battery and a little unemployment will never be enough to stop me from fujoshi-ing out btw

September 26, 2025 3:40pm

Okayyyyyy I blocked Twitter's url on my phone browser lol, I was spending way, WAY too much time doom scrolling these past couple of days and it was starting to wear my spirit down. Also, I ended up on mcrtwt because I was interacting with a lot of tweets and it was putting me in a bad mood... some fandoms just drain all the energy out of you and seem engineered in a lab to ragebait you and that was me with the MCR fandom. I love their music but I'm perfectly content to love them from a distance, I don't need the constant updates and the constant content and hearing people's bad takes. Like that Summertime is a bad song... girl PLEASE do not piss me off.
So anyways, blocked Twitter, set a 15 minute a day time limit on Instagram, just generally trying to get off of social media (again. for like the nteenth time at this point) which has led to me spending more time working on this website. I put a bunch of work into my MCR shrine and that was really really fun, I also posted a new poem the other day called "Hurricanes" which is all about my trip to California to visit my brother. I wrote a crash out poem about my brother called "On Sacrifice" a couple months ago I think. "Hurricanes" is like her sequel poem that's full of optimism and love and happiness whereas "Sacrifice" was full of hatred and anger and fear. Lol. The duality of having a brother.
I've been decorating my room a little bit and trying to clean it... we are now going on month two (I think???) of trying to clean my room don't piss me OFFFFFFFFF. My executive dysfunction versus an ever-growing pile of clothes in the middle of my floor who will win?! (The clothes. The clothes kick my ass every single time.) I've also been playing the piano. Engaging with hobbies again. Anything to get dopamine to my brain sob sob sob. For some reason there are some hobbies (crochet, Warhammer) that I do not mind spending money on in the slightest and some (piano) that I will try to avoid spending money on like the plague. Like I spent $0.99 on sheet music and I felt like I was being stabbed in the kidney. But anyways now I know how to play the first four measures of Cancer by MCR so it was worth the dollar I think.
As I'm sitting here looking around my room I have the feeling that I really do want to keep cleaning it so I think I'm going to do that now. Still heavily unemployed and not wanting to talk or think about it. Still fighting demons every single day of my life that tell me I am the laziest and worst person to ever live and I have no drive or passions (low key true!) but I can't wait to not be 23 anymore and be able to look back on 23-year-old Julie with fondness and think to myself, "Aw haha! She thought her life was over and it hadn't even begun yet!" But can we hurry up and begin already????? Anyways. Gonna put clothes away sob sob sob

June 7, 2025 2:47pm

Lol sorry about that last post. Turns out it was two days before my period started (every month for the two/three days before my period I can't fathom any light or joy or happiness in the world and become passively suicidal. I probably have PMDD and it got a lot worse once I went off of my SSRIs but it's definitely not worth it to go back on SSRIs just to prevent one week of misery every month). My physical health has been all fucked up at the moment with chronic acid reflux that I've been trying to deal with by cutting out trigger foods..... which are pretty much every food I like. No more coffee, carbonated drinks, tomatoes, or super acidic foods for... an indeterminate amount of time and GOD I didn't realize how many of the best foods on Earth are made so much better with the inclusion of tomatoes, onions, and vinegar. It makes me feel like such a weenie to order a sandwich and have to ask for it with no tomatoes and no pickled red onions. AND I have to avoid spicy stuff. Basically I've been surviving off of apples and peanut butter for like two meals a day which isn't the end of the world. But yesterday I went out for brunch and ate a lot of greasy food and then spent the rest of the day throwing up buckets of stomach acid and taking little sips of water. I avoided tomatoes but I guess I need to add fried eggs and hashbrowns and sausage and bannana nut bread to the ever growing list of foods I can't keep down painlessly. I also am on my period which is probably adding to the misery.
On the plus side, though, I've been reading a LOT since all I've been doing otherwise is lazing around. Also watching the new Dimension 20 season but not paying too much attention or getting TOO into it because it's like steampunk or something. I read Fever Dream by Samanta Schweblin which was INCREDIBLE, the second five-star read of the year for me, and I finally got around to finishing Walking Practice by Dolki Min which was also really good. Very tonally different and not, like, the most amazing thing I've ever read but it was very enjoyable. Then I read Several People are Typing by Calvin Kasulke which really surprised me. I was expecting it to be fun purely because of its format but it was actually really well-done and the story justified its gimick in my opinion. That's the book that's told through Slack messages which I guess is like corporate Discord. And now I'm reading another book that has a similar gimick but a VERY different tone and subject matter, The Sluts by Dennis Cooper. It's told through forum posts on a website for reviewing escorts and it is extremely sexually graphic and disturbing but it's definitely compelling. I need to know who is telling the truth and what is going on, even though I'm horrified by every new piece of the puzzle that comes together. So far it's been the summer of short fiction and I couldn't be happier to be flying through these books especially as they distract me from how miserable I feel (usually by putting me into the miserable mind of someone else that I can be detatched from lol). As of right now I'm on track to meet or even potentially surpass my goal of reading 25 books in 2025 and a lot of that is in part to joining a book club which has been a new experience for me but it's been funnn.
Anyways, whatever, I'm just yapping at this point. I just wanted to post something to be like sorry about the last thing I posted that was very dramatic and I got over it. If I come on here like once a month saying life has no meaning and nothing matters and I will never be happy just ignore me, I'm probably just two days away from starting my period and dealing with my monthly bought of suicidality. All's well. I'm back to feeling like nothing matters but in a neutral, bordering on positive way rather than in a severe and life-destroying way.

May 8, 2025 3:53pm

So there you have it, I have taken my dreaded calculus exam. I genuinely have no idea how I did. At this point it's completely out of my hands, other than the extra homework assignments that I may try to get finished some time tonight, but honestly... I may not. I feel completely burnt out from it and like maybe even if there is technically more I could do I don't feel like it's worth it. Like if I have done enough to get a C-, then amazing, I don't need to do any more homeworks. And if I haven't, well, I wasn't going to pass this semester anyways and doing a couple trigonometry homework assignments isn't going to change that anyways. I feel weirdly calm about the whole thing and honestly, whether I pass or I fail, I feel equally very proud of myself for how dedicated I was to my goal. The desire to graduate pushed me to keep slogging through things that made no sense to me.
Which, speaking of, do you want to know the deep Julie lore that helps explain why I'm so horrendous at math? When I was in the fifth grade I went to a small school that was a combined middle and elementary school, so it had grades K-8 all in the same building. We also had a gifted program that was like a teacher who would come around and pull gifted students out of class twice a day, during English and then alternating between during Science and during History. She would pull the """gifted""" fifth graders out of fifth grade science and take them off to a different classroom to do "gifted" science, whatever that means. However, she made the executive decision that I was somehow too advanced for gifted English, so she decided to pull me out once more per day to go to the gifted SIXTH grade English class. Basically, without anyone ever asking me what I thought about it, without even my parents being consulted, I had essentially skipped a grade but only for one subject. The problem is, gifted sixth grade English class happened at the same time as regular fifth grade math class, and I just never went to math. For an entire year between the ages of 10 and 11 I had TWO advanced English classes a day but ZERO math classes. And I don't know what the hell they teach in fifth grade math class, but it must be pretty foundational because ever since then I have felt completely unmoored in math classes. I don't know how to do what feels like basic arithmetic. But I think the skill all of my peers must have been learning that I'm missing the most is the knowledge and experience on HOW to learn math, how to study it, how to get it to click in your head. I've never done better than like a C or a D in a math class, except for statistics which I actually got an A in in high school and a B- in when I took it in college. For some reason statistics work in my brain in a way algebra never has.
But anyways, that's that. College is all done (maybe). At the very least the semester is done. If I really did pass my class that means I'm graduating in less than 10 days, which is... genuinely insane. Can't think about it.